Kiera is 6 Months Old Today!

Kiera turned 6 months old today! It's amazing to see her transforming into this tiny person who has likes and dislikes, wants and definitely doesn't wants :) For as long as I can remember I wanted to be a mom and because I'm adopted, I've always had a strong desire to adopt a child who isn't wanted...but in the same breath I wanted to have my own baby too because I wanted someone to look like me...selfish. Fine. From the second Kiera was born I've heard, "I'm sorry Melissa, she really looks like Sean." Sigh. I know that I'm probably looking for similarities, but she really is starting to look a bit like me. Here are pictures of both of us at 6 months...thoughts? I know for sure that she has Sean's ears and hair color, but there are most certainly features that say "Mom", yes? Neurotic.

I've also been having some bad my Mom days. I was sitting in Kiera's room looking at her while Sean rocked her the other night and began to tear up thinking about how my mom must have felt when I was a baby. That overwhelming, losing your breath, can't believe that this being is yours feeling. And then I thought about how she must have felt when she knew she was going to leave me. It's my absolute, 100% worst fear...and I know the other girls can agree. How does a mom ever leave her child? And knowing what I know about how incredibly hard it was to be without her and not have her for so many important events in my life makes that fear even worse. I wonder what it's like for people who have their moms and don't have to think about life without them yet.

I will say it fast again...I can't wait to see what it's like to have a daughter in her 20s. I never got to experience that with my mom. I never got to appreciate going to the spa or out to dinner or a weekend away with her. I was a lousy teenager when she died who didn't want to admit that she was going to die and therefore didn't always treat her with the endless love that I felt for her. It makes me sick to my stomach to have these thoughts...but now I'm hoping to make up for that with my daughter.

When Kiera was first born I would lie in bed with her and cry on her head making endless promises about being there for her forever, being there for her high school prom, graduation, first day at college, last day at college, college graduation, her first real love, her first real job, her wedding, her first house, her children....etc. All of those things, my mother missed. Sometimes it's hard to imagine that she ever even exsisted. She would have been the most amazing grandmother...a mush like me, I'm sure! I don't think I'd ever get her out of New Jersey!! It's so sad to think that she'll never get to hold her grandchild, give her kisses or spoil her stupid. So sad. So sad. So sad.

Anyway, enough crying for today. I must be happy in knowing that she's up there somewhere, looking down and smiling at our baby girl...who is a half a year old already!!! By the time I know it I will be at her high school graduation!! But there's plenty of time for that :)

Kiera and GrandmaAngel together...today.

Melissa