Is it February yet?

I turned 33 years old this past February. I have anticipated the arrival of this dreaded year for as long as I can remember and now I can't wait until it's over.
Ya see my mom died when she was 33 years old of a brain aneurysm and so did my paternal grandmother. What are the chances of that??? How can both of these woman (on opposite sides of my family tree) die the same year of their lives of the same thing? Seems almost unbelievable, impossible and kinda creepy all at the same time. I guess I just always thought I, myself, would be destined for the same fate. So needless to say I was, ok maybe still am, a little freaked out that this will happen to me. I mean it's not something I think or worry about on a daily basis but it's enough to make me feel uneasy from time to time. I could never imagine dying right now and leaving behind my wonderful husband and precious baby girl. I could never imagine being cheated out of the rest of my life the way my mother was. It seems so unfair each and every time I think about it. How different would my life have been if she were still around? I guess that's why I am so determined to be the best mother I can be to my little girl. I made a promise to myself and her, before she was even born, that I will be the best mommy she could ever ask for. I intend to fulfill that promise. Let's just get to February already!

~Letitia ~

Bad Dreams

This is my first time doing this and I'm not even sure I'm putting it in the right place but here it goes. (and please excuse any run-on sentences, I'm just typing as I think)....This morning I woke up pretty bummed out. I had a dream that my husband and I lived in my childhood home and while we were in our room my mother (who died 3.5 years ago) walked in and was freaking out because she didn't know what was going on.
She was confused and ran out of the room and I followed her and when I got to the living room (where her bed was made up on the couch) she was crying and asking me why my dad didn't want her anymore and how could we possibly go on without her....apparently she didn't know she had been gone for so long. I explained that we all thought she was dead and what else were we supposed to do?? To be honest I was pretty cold in the dream because I know that if she showed up in real life I would just keel over and die with happiness.
This of course was the only morning of my life I was happy the cat woke me up.....my cat meows at the door every morning around 7:30 like a freaking alarm clock.

Anyway you can imagine I was feeling pretty crappy about the whole dream and since Scott isn't home right now I had no one to talk to about it right then.....that's why I am so happy to have my girls who understand....I actually had someone to tell even if it was only through email.

Later on in the day Letitia called and we talked about it...she made me feel so much better. I think over all she and Melissa's email helped me realize that I might be more upset that y father is moving in with his girlfriend and he sold the townhouse he lived in with my mother. I really don't think it's that I am upset that he is leaving........we never had a close relationship anyway so that doesn't really matter but I think the fact that he sold the house.........the only thing I really had left of my mother is really what is bothering me. It gave me a good feeling to be there....in her room and with her stuff and just being in the place where she lived. I don't have that anymore and I sort of feel like I have lost her all over again.

Yes I know I have pictures and whatnot but it's not the same. Sometimes I look at her pictures or just think of my life in general and CANNOT believe that this is my life. It still doesn't seem real that I am a person who doesn't have a mother. I have said this before and I will say it again....and I know I sound like a 4 year old but how is it fair that women my mother, who was an amazing, caring, thoughtful, loyal woman has to die so young and leave behind a child (yes I'm grown but who doesn't need their "mommy" still) who still needs her. I look at my friends who have also lost their mothers and it just breaks my heart that all of us had such wonderful relationships with our moms and we were robbed of it and then there are people who take advantage of their mothers or who complain about them or mothers who are just mean......they don't realize what a gift it is to be a mother or to have a mother.

Right now I am in a place in my life where I don't have either. I don't have a mother and I am not yet a mother.....both of which kill me on a daily basis. I look in the mirror and I see an old person. I swear I have aged 10 years in the last 3. I try to eat right and exercise but the grief is written all over my face like a neon sign in the form of wrinkles, fine lines and dark circles. I hope to God that my heart lightens a little when I am finally having my own child. I sit here typing this (crying of course) and I don't really feel much better which is a surprise because writing usually clears up any crappy feelings I am having. I think the holidays are what's getting to me too........mom's birthday is Halloween..... the last few holidays have been rough for a few reasons...but this year I am promising myself that they will be better. I will MAKE them better. I actually have a lot to be thankful for this year.....last year and the one before I had nothing to be thankful for.....so I guess that's a step in the right direction. Ok enough for now....Sorry this was so long.

Thoughtful Thursday

I wanted to copy some song lyrics for you that I was listening to in the car yesterday on the way home from work. It's called, "Rain" by Patty Griffin and I love it. I can find meaning in so many songs...and this is one of them. I listened to Patty Griffin when I was giving birth because she's so calming and wonderful. If you get a chance, give her a listen!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pFbjE7NFmUI
For the Video

"Rain"

It's hard to listen to a hard hard heart
Beating close to mine
Pounding up against the stone and steel
Walls that I won't climb
Sometimes a hurt is so deep deep deep
You think that you're gonna drown
Sometimes all I can do is weep weep weep
With all this rain falling down
Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm holding on underneath this shroud
Rain
It's hard to know when to give up the fight
Two things you want will just never be right
Its never rained like it has to night before
Now I don't wanna beg you baby
For something maybe you could never give
I'm not looking for the rest of your life
I just want another chance to live
Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm holding on underneath this shroud
Rain
Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm still alive underneath this shroud
Rain Rain Rain

I also wanted to share a picture with you from this morning before I went to work because I put the sheet on the couch to not get dog hair on me...this did not work so well :) Oh Well!!

Melissa

Today's about me...

I thought that because Letitia chose to tell her story, today I would give you a look into mine.

I was born on February 9, 1978 in the Bronx. My birth mother didn't want to keep me, she was only 18, so she gave me up for adoption and on May 16 I was taken home by my parents, Rita and Tony. I had the most amazing childhood and ironically my WORST fear in the world was that my mother would die. I remember when I was young, probably 8 or 9, I was watching her get ready in the bathroom and I asked her that if she died, could she please write me a letter to let me know that she was alright...that letter never came by the way...

In February of my 9th grade year, my mom developed a rash on her breast. The doctor in his ultimate wisdom prescribed her cream for it. It wasn't until a few months later, when the rash never went away, that they did a biopsy and discovered that she had a viral form of breast cancer. So, in for surgery she went and I couldn't bring myself to visit her in the hospital. I truly didn't want to believe that it was as serious as it was and I think I was scared shitless and was a stupid teenager...etc. etc. etc. Anyway, she had her breast removed and had chemo treatments that made her SO very sick and then radiation treatments that made her SO very tired. It was a very hard couple of years.

Then she went into remission...ah, good old remission...we even took a family trip to Disney World when I was 16. Then on July 4, 1995 she had a stomach ache, went to the doctor and discovered that the cancer had traveled to her liver...the worst place that it could find...so, she went back on chemo and at Christmas break she went for a check-up and they told her that it was looking great! Phew.

However, on January 8 she got a headache that just wouldn't quit. I told her to take some Tylenol...again, stupid teenager...On January 17 she went to have it checked out fully and they admitted her into the hospital right then. They found several small brain tumors along the base of her brain, took her off chemo for the liver, put her on radiation for the brain, and she turned yellow. You see, this cancer was out to get her no matter what because Chemo doesn't travel to your brain so the cancer found the ONE place that it could live...nice right?! But then when they took her off the chemo, her liver went bad again and the cancer spread like wildfire.

Every day the diagnosis changed, she'd be coming home; she'd be coming home, but needed to be driven to work; she'd be coming home, but couldn't work; she had 3 months to live; she had 1 month to live; they had no idea what was going on; she would die before the weekend.

On the morning of Thursday, February 1 I brought in pictures of our dog for her...I really wanted to bring her to the hospital...and I asked my mom if she knew who she was and she said, "of course I do, it's Smokey." Then she had a stroke and was put on tubes and never spoke again. My father and I had already decided on a DNR so it was a waiting game. My Aunt Noel told me to say my last goodbyes, which I screamed and cried at my mother because I couldn't do anything else.

That night, as my uncles and father chatted and as I "dozed" off in the chair, I could hear her breathing slow and begin to stop. I couldn't believe that they didn't hear it too! We all got up, gathered around her and she passed away. It was the worst day of my entire life, but on the drive home with my dad, we laughed. How one does that? I don't know.

Anyway, I was 17 and turned 18 eight days later. She's been gone now for almost 13 years, which is getting dangerously close to almost as long as I was with her. I keep thinking that in 4 more years, my life will reset...it will be interesting to see.

So that's the story of my mom's passing. My Aunt Noel always says, "why did they take her, God didn't need another angel." But maybe Kiera did....who knows. I just hope she always knows how much we're all thinking of her and love her....Kiera Rita is awake...so I leave it with that for today.

Melissa