scared

Ok so now that I am finally showing a bit this whole pregnancy thing is really starting to grab hold of my brain. At first it didn't seem real even though I was dying of morning sickness, saw the heartbeats (yes 2 beats!!), and could see them wiggling around inside; but now that I have a belly and basically all of my clothes are maternity it's hitting me.

Mainly I am terrified. Afraid of the unknown which this being my first pregnancy and my mother not being around the entire thing is unknown. I am afraid of how big I will get, about the possibility of having a C-section or having to push out 2 big heads, will I be a good mother, will they be premature, will I be able to give them enough attention, how the heck will we pay for everything that 2 babies need, what if they are BOTH major criers, how will the pets react, what happens if I have post-partum .........and the list goes on and on and on....

I don't want to ramble on but I needed to vent a little......I haven't said anything about this to Scott because I am sure he will tell me to relax but I don't think I can until they are here......

Anyway that's all for now.

Kiera is ONE today!

Kiera Rita was born on a day much like this ONE year ago today! It's unbelievable to me that an entire year has past. She's becoming this little person with so much personality...and dare I say, a little bit of an attitude :)

This time last year I was exhausted (for lack of a better word)...I'd been having contractions for over two days and delivered her in record time at 10:49am on Wednesday morning. I wouldn't change ONE thing from her birth, however (except maybe having my mom there, but I can't change that for the next go-round either). I loved every minute of it. The contractions were not pleasant, but the epidural was lovely. I had a very easy time pushing and out she popped, our gorgeous ray of sunshine who I couldn't imagine not having in my life.

Today has been such fun. We got up to a smiling baby who came downstairs to find that the Birthday Fairy had decorated the kitchen and her highchair for her :) Sean and I had made her cupcakes and she ate a vanilla one with vanilla frosting...which she really enjoyed! Then we opened a small gift that we got her...we're waiting on the big one to be delivered. Then we played and played until we were off to JcPenney's for pictures...

Now that was entirely too frustrating for my liking...I have always taken pictures of Kiera and LOVED them...I decided to have them "professionally" taken for her birthday, because "that's what you do", but I wasn't prepared for the waiting, waiting, waiting! Kiera was an ANGEL...it's always me who gets myself all crazy, but she didn't want to sit in her carriage, didn't want to be held...what she wanted to do was crawl around in her beautiful birthday dress...Her pictures came out so pretty, but she had a crumb from her puffs that I hadn't noticed because it blended in with her skin so well in person, but then in the pictures...all the gorgeous close-ups...there it was :( I'm so bummed!!! What a waste. We got quite a few good ones, but no real face shots because the crumb wouldn't allow it.

Needless to say...I will maybe do it for her birthday and her birthday ONLY in the future...but never again over spring break when the rest of the world is there taking their communion pictures! I simply couldn't handle the waiting game...also the pressure of picking pictures right then and there that will ultimately cost me a fortune killed me too....

SO needless to say, I'm a crankstar and I'm very sad about that. Kiera won't nap and we have a 3:30 doctor's appointment for her 12 month check-up...I could cry.

But, let's end this on a positive note that my baby girl is ONE and I love her more than I ever thought a person could love someone. It pains me to think that my mom doesn't get to witness her joy, her laugh, her silliness, her adorableness, but she has one hell of an angel on her side!

Happy Birthday Kiera Rita!!

Melissa

Tough Day...

I'm having a tough day. Nicole's boys aren't feeling well, so Kiera is home today with Sean. This was not easy to arrange because he had a meeting that he had to cancel with the boss and I have an IEP meeting today as well as the hardship of preparing for a sub which is not always easy...but the point of it all is that we have no one else other than Nicole to lean on in times of "holy shit!" Every family member we have is over an hour or more away...some, a plane ride!! I would have no problem calling my mom if she were alive and begging her to, "Please dear god, hop in the car and be down here asap! We Need Help!!" But it's not that easy for our family to do that, so we don't ask in fear of inconveniencing them. I did ask Rae Ann, but she was working and felt such remorse about it. Otherwise, I'm just sad. I have so much on my plate right now and it's not easy. Not easy. Not easy. The weather, of course, is not helping...when will it be warm and sunny?? These April showers are killing me!



In other news...Kiera is the best and I couldn't be more in love with her...and Sean :) She will be a year old in less than two weeks and I just can't believe it! We're having a small celebration where we will surround her with friends and family who love her so much...and who will travel far and wide to be with her on that day...including a plane ride :)



Melissa

Just a quick update...

Kiera got her third tooth within the past week...we don't know exactly when because she's such a good baby that there was no lost sleep, crying, etc...but it's here!! And the fourth is on it's way. It's so sad to think that she's going to be this little person with a fullish set of TEETH soon!! Bring on the steak!

Sean has been away a lot lately...and all this week. I don't know how single moms do it and I praise them for it! It's so hard not having an extra set of hands at home. I have to do laundry tonight like you wouldn't believe and I'm actually planning out how to get it all done so that I can get everything else done tonight!! It's unreal. Oh well...I love spending time with Kiera, so I can wear dirty clothes or let the house fall to pieces and I feel good about it :)

Nicole just sent me a picture text of Kiera in a shoe store with her new sneakers that she got her for her birthday! What am I going to do without her next year??!!! Will anyone love her like she does when I can't be with her???? I hate the thought of it. I'm on the search for a new sitter...Nicole is going back to work...and it's not easy...sigh. Nicole was my savior and we were so blessed to have her in Kiera's life during such critical months...and now we move on.

So much for a quick update.

Melissa

11 Months Old!

Kiera Rita is 11 months old today! Where does the time go?? Last year at this time we had just wrapped up my baby shower...where we were spoiled rotten!! Here are some of the absolutely amazing things that she's doing now...

• Huffing and Puffing through her nose when she doesn't get her way.
• Standing alone for seconds at a time...when she doesn't realize she's doing it.
• Takes a few steps when we hold her hands...and then becomes lazy and gets back to crawling around like a maniac.
• Sorts objects from one bucket to another.
• Eats and eats...anything she can get her hands on!
• Drinks from a sippy cup.
• Has always LOVED music, but loves is so much now that she looks to find where it's coming from.
• Drinks the bath water...actually enjoys licking it...oh well!
• Stands up in the tub all the time...lies down too! Can't take your peepers off her for a moment.
• Loves Noggin...there's an addiction growing and if it allows me to go to the bathroom, I'm cool with it :) I watched TV (probably too much and do now) and have a master's degree....so we're all good :)
• Says Mama and Dada discriminately...and knows what her "baba" is and asks for it, and we think says "rara" for Roman.

So it's all terribly exciting! She's just this little ball of energy and I love every minute of it! She's so much more than anything I could have imagined and I feel so blessed to have her in my life every single day!

Last week I was so sick. I had a terrible stomach virus that lasted for around 12 hours with the bad symptoms...and then up until yesterday with the residual effects like not being able to eat anything that wasn't bread. I prayed so hard every minute that I could that Kiera didn't get sick...every minute! Sean was away for work so I had to do everything...like feed her, give kisses :), etc...so I was deathly afraid that she would get it and be a mess and I don't want to see her like that just yet. Thankfully, knock on wood, knock on wood, knock on wood...nothing has surfaced (yet). So I'm optimistic.

But every time I get sick I worry and worry that something more serious is wrong with me. I think it's really hard not to when your mom died at 49. I become obsessed with dying and leaving Kiera and Sean behind and I hate hate hate those thoughts. It's so unbelievably easy for Sean to say, "stop thinking that, you're fine." And I know that he's right, but in the back of my mind I can't help but think it and it makes me so upset and sad. I don't know how my mom felt when she knew that she was going to have to leave her daughter and husband behind, but it couldn't have felt good.

So, what I have to do every day that I have those thoughts is to remember to "think good thoughts, think good thoughts, think good thoughts..." and I'll be ok?! My very good, amazing, charismatic, fabulous friend, Molly (my Molly-lama) gave me some meditation cards recently that are advice from a mother to a daughter (she's so thoughtful all the damn time) and I can't get enough of them. One of them says, "Breathe. You're stronger than you think you are." Simply put and so true. And I can just envision my mom saying those words to me all the time.

That's the scoop from here...one month to go until my peanut is ONE! I simply cannot wrap my brain around it. I love her more and more with every passing minute and wish that all her loved ones who aren't with us anymore could meet this extraordinary little person!

Melissa

this really is horrible

Ok ladies, I know I have been complaining nonstop but I just can't even stand it...... this morning sickness that is really all day and even worse in the middle of the night has me hanging by a thread. I am a big baby when it comes to stomach pain to begin with (was hospitalized many times as a kid for it) so maybe I am being overly dramatic but come on already.........I need just one night of steady sleep. I have been in bed night after night crying and really missing my mother. Scott is wonderful and waits on me hand and foot and genuinely feels terrible for me but there is nothing like a mother's touch to make it all better. I know that this isn't the last time I am going to miss her like crazy but feeling as crappy as I do and being so tired it is not helping to miss her so deeply. I guess maybe part of it is that I could sob to her and act like a total baby and feel sorry for myself and she would never make me feel bad about it. Not that anyone has made me feel bad but I feel like a jerk for being so pathetic. Ok I'm done.

My Mom Would Have Been So Proud Of Me...

I made my own puree yesterday of fruits and vegetables to make banana bread! It was so much easier than I thought it would be and can't believe that I haven't been making my own baby food all along! When I pureed the bananas, Kiera ate the left overs and LOVED every minute of it!!

I had bought this cookbook months and months and months ago after seeing Jessica Seinfeld on Oprah promoting it. It's called, "Deceptively Delicious" and I hadn't made anything from it. It's all about incorporating veggies into your child's meals so that they don't know they're there.

Nicole had given me a wonderful list of all the foods her kids ate about this time. So I decided that this weekend was the weekend. Kiera actually decided because she's made the decision to no longer eat baby food. She really wants food that she can pick up, so now Mommy has to be more creative. She'll really eat anything I put in front of her to grab, but I thought this was a good way to give her something more than just a fruit or veggie. Therefore Kiera had her first piece (or three) of banana bread with cauliflower hidden in there~it was delicious :) She really needs to keep getting all her good veggies, but refuses them when I put them on a spoon. This is such a great compromise....and like I said, she actually did eat the banana off the spoon and enjoyed it endlessly.

So I think that I am going to really start to puree lots of different kind of veggies every weekend and start putting them in all the foods that she loves. This way I know she's getting what she needs. She also enjoyed the cauliflower steamed before I pureed it, so that's now an option too! My mom would be thrilled that I took the time to do this...I am an easy recipe girl...I think I'm headed in the right direction!!

Melissa