emotions

Today I had surgery.......this is a surgery I have had a million times before but for some reason I was an absolute mess about it. Every time I thought about it i burst into tears......I got no sleep the night before because I was thinking about it.

I wasn't sure if I was just nervous because I know the risks and the level of pain/discomfort but then I got into the hospital and my nurse was obviously new and she sucked at giving IV's so I cried then (making her feel bad) and when I got into the "holding area" I was crying again...the nurses and my anesthesiologist was super nice so that made it harder to hold back. So after all that I realized I was upset because all of these surgeries in the past my mom has been there to care for me and keep me company when we were home. Scott was there, don't get me wrong, and he was great but I still wanted my mother. This is a surgery I had always as a child so being an adult and doing it without her I guess really bothered me. I guess at certain times I am still just a 5 year old at heart. To me this just felt like one more life experience she missed. oh well.....what can I do?
Sorry if grammar and punctuation arent great today......I'm still a little foggy.

Hope everyone has a great New Year's Eve. Be safe and celebrate for me since i'm homebound.

....and so flow the tears

So the other day Scott and I are in bed just talking and his mother and sister's annual "Birthday Spa trip" comes up. This is a little trip they take into the city each year for dinner, show and spa...sounds great right?? They both hate it. So after laughing at them for a minute I burst into tears......."OH WHAT I WOULDN"T GIVE TO HAVE A CHANCE TO DO THAT WITH MY MOTHER!!" I wail to a startled Scott. I then sob for the next 20 minutes. When I see women, both mothers and daughters, not cherishing the opportunities they have I want to shake them.

Then next big mistake of the day comes when I get up and decide to watch "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2." For those of you who don't know the story there is a girl who's mother kills herself when the daughter is about 15. So the daughter finds her long lost maternal grandmother after discovering her dad had been hiding letters for years......this of course brings up all sorts of feelings the girl had pushed away for years ie.... her mom abandoning her, not loving her, missing her etc. So for the 2nd time in only a few hours I'm sobbing.

So after a long, painfully irritating work week I decide to come home, have a LARGE glass of wine, listen to Christmas music and gaze at my very bright and busy Christmas tree while thinking of Mom. Finally after being wound tight as a spring all week I was able to relax.....

Merry Christmas!!

Christmas Time is Here...

(to the tune of "Charlie Brown's Christmas)...

In a completely selfish manner, Sean and I took Kiera up to see Uncle Jason this past Saturday and into New York City to see the tree. Kiera was all sniffles and we contemplated not going due to her mood and runny nose, but I guiltily put her in the car and off we went.

It was so lovely!! When we finally got to the actual tree...the city was PACKED...I actually got a tear in my eye. The last time I was at the tree my mom was with me. We used to go to the city every holiday season with my Aunt and cousin to see a play and have lunch. Some years we'd go see the tree.

She won't remember a thing of going to see the tree, but I will. I'll remember how chilly the night air was. How cute she was all bundled up in her fleece outfit, boots, and big winter coat. I'll remember her eyes light up when she looked at all the lights on the gigantic tree, especially when they began to blink.

When I thought back on our night Sunday morning I began to cry at the breakfast table. Being there with Sean, Kiera and Jason made me so happy because it shouted, "FAMILY" to me...I so very much want Kiera to be surrounded by FAMILY. It, of course, made me crave my mother's company so badly that it physically hurt. I don't know that anyone (other than my girls...or others who have lost their mothers) can fully understand this feeling of physical pain when you think of someone. When you know with everything in you that they should still be here and yet they're not. When you know that they'd appreciate and love every minute of these special times together but they're not here to.

It's just so overwhelmingly bitter sweet...this whole holiday season. I'm having a tough tough time with it because I'm SO happy and then SO sad. It's annoying :)

But again, I'll just have to feel good in knowing that I have one more angel on my side. An angel who has sent me SO many wonderful gifts, especially this year!!

The gift of Kiera
The gift of someone who I love to watch over her
The gift of best friends
The gift of health
The gift of happiness
The gift of family

Thanks Mommy.

Melissa

Thoughtful Thursday

Thankful

by
Josh Groban

Somedays we forget

To look around us

Somedays we can't see

The joy that surrounds us

So caught up inside ourselves

We take when we should give

So for tonight we pray for

What we know can be

And on this day we hope for

What we still can't see

It's up to us to be the change

And even though we all can still do more

There's so much to be thankful for

Look beyond ourselves

There's so much sorrow

It's way too late to sayI'll cry tomorrow

Each of us must find our truth

It's so long overdue

So for tonight we pray for

What we know can be

And every day we hope for

What we still can't see

It's up to us to be the change

And even though we all can still do more

There's so much to be thankful for

Even with our differences

There is a place we're all connected

Each of us can find each other's light

So for tonight we pray for

What we know can be

And on this day we hope for

What we still can't see

It's up to us to be the change

And even though this world needs so much more

There's so much to be thankful for

Melissa

December??

I cannot even wrap my brain around the fact that it's December! Where does the time go?? As the other girls have mentioned, Thanksgiving has come and gone with bitter sweet moments. We went to Connecticut for Thanksgiving and seeing my father with Kiera melts my heart every time! I cannot get enough of how overwhelmed he is by her! He gets this giddiness that I don't know he had when I was a baby...but I think being a grandparent is much different than being a parent sometimes. I think my mom is rolling over in her grave seeing how far my father and I have come...since she said to my friend's mom before she died, "please keep an eye on Melissa and Tony, they're going to kill each other!" :) He says all these funny things to her, bounces her around and looks like he's going to eat her alive, it's adorable. His whole attitude has changed since she was born and we're loving every minute of it!

It's terribly enjoyable being with my Dad and Camille on Thanksgiving, but I also miss going to my Uncle Bob and Aunt Noel's in Massachusetts every year. We used to have THE best time! There were a whole bunch of us there, so many laughs, and the annual Trivial Pursuit game. My cousins would sneak us drinks and we'd eat way too much! When I was really little I used to be able to sleep over with my cousin Meg while my parents stayed in a hotel...I loved that! She's five years older, which at the time felt like an eternity...and she used to take me to see movies like "Aladdin" and "Beauty and the Beast" at night. I miss having a "big" family...big for me anyway :) I'm so excited for the years to come, the holidays to celebrate...to give my Dad, Camille, Donna and Tom another Grandchild...and to have fun with our "big" family.

Melissa

Holidays

Well Thanksgiving has come and gone and mom has missed another one. While at my Aunt's house with my cousin and all of her children it occurred to me that Mom died only a few months after the youngest, Holly, was born..she will be 4 in January. As much as I am happy that my father has found happiness with another woman it REALLY bothered me to watch this perfectly wonderful woman play with my cousins children. What was equally troublesome for me is watching them ADORE her. I have nothing against her at all it's just that it hurt like hell to know that these children don't remember my mother at all and that my father's girlfriend is who they associate with "uncle Bill." In fact it wouldnt surprise me if they thought she was my mother. It just really sucks because watching Barbara with them is exactly the way my mother would have been with them so while it is nice that she likes them it is also extremely painful. My aunts house just seems so empty without my mother there. After my cousin and her family left it was really awkward being there....usually after my cousin leaves my parents would stay and chat for a few more hours.....this time I felt like she was just waiting for us to leave because in truth my mother was really the one she enjoyed being with. So I made my exit... a bit sad that while I am still coming to the house I spent EVERY thanksgiving at during my childhood that it is no longer the welcoming place it once was....and I dont think it really has anything to do with my aunt....just the lack of my mother.

However this year I am very thankful for SOOOO many things including my wonderful husband and amazing friends and most of all the promising possibilities of my very near future!!

Thankful

Each holiday that goes by is just a bitter sweet reminder of the thinks my mom is missing. I honestly don't know where the time goes. Thanksgiving was always wonderful. My mom was a great cook, and adored entertaining. I go through the motions, but it is hard to see my cousins with their mother and siblings. There I am, very blessed for the wonderful husband and children I have and feeling completely alone at the same time. How can you be in a room with over 30 people and feel so alone? I am thankful for my friends and family and for all this past year has shown me. What a wild ride this year has been. I am truly looking forward to 2009!

One more cookie.

So here I am. Finally. Finally reading, finally writing, finally getting a few things off my chest. Who am I? I am lots of things. We'll get into that.

My friends. Isn't it odd how friendships change? I swear I have always hated change, but as I get older it gets harder to accept that maybe the friends you had growing up aren't the best friends for you as an adult. I have amazing friends, beautiful, giving, loving ones. So why do I focus on the ones who I can't seem to connect with anymore? That's just me.

It's Monday. Typical, ordinary, beautiful Monday. Three children asleep and the house is quiet for this tiny bit of time.

I was listening to Christmas music in the car and Feliz Navidad came on. My mom loved that song. I cried for a minute remembering her singing and baking cookies. If I could only have one more cookie. One more song.

Soneones awake. Until later...

The Holidays...

The holidays are approaching and with them brings a whole new set of feelings and insanity :)

I am overwhelmingly excited for Kiera's First Thanksgiving and Christmas...I'm excited for new traditions to begin (even though she won't remember them this year), waking up with her on Christmas morning (the two we will have) and seeing her rip through wrapping paper (but not really understanding what it is that she's doing).

However, with the holidays brings sadness about what my mom is missing...especially this year. I know that she would LOVE nothing more than to be here with us and see all the firsts that Kiera is experiencing.

Sometimes when I'm sad about my mom I think, "Why are you still sad?? You're someones mom now" but it doesn't work. I feel like I'm redundant when I think about her and write about her and speak about her...how many ways can you say that you're sad and that you miss someone before people start to not care...and believe you me, people start to not care. Some of my friends who have lost their moms recently, like within the past fives years, have said that people have started to forget because their lives can go on...and I say, "wait until you're at 12 years and counting!"

I just honestly would have LOVED to have seen her with my kids. There's this love that I see gushing out of my Dad and Sean's Mom that I can't even explain and for my Mom, that would have been her #1 happiest moment to see Kiera grow and experience life like they're able to do.

Anyway, enough mumbling for today...Things that I'm Thankful for this year...
I'm thankful for my beautiful and healthy new family of three (or 7 including our many four legged friends)
I'm thankful for our home
I'm thankful for the couple of dollars we have that get us by on a daily basis
I'm thankful for having a job and getting paid for doing something that I love
I'm thankful for my gorgeous, caring, and overly supportive friends
I'm thankful for Nicole, Nanny and the Hices for taking such amazing care of our peanut when I can't be with her
Finally...I'm thankful that gas prices are down to $1.83 so I can get back and forth to work without crying on a daily basis!!

Melissa

The Start of a new life.....

The Start of a new life……..
I started a new chapter in my life on October 5, 2006, the day I lost my best friend, my number one cheerleader, my provider and the love of my life: my mother. I not only loved her, I was in love with her: her integrity, her character, her womanhood, her smell, her smile and the list goes on and on.

The first year was extremely hard, especially since my mother was the glue that kept our family together, her 5 sisters and her many nieces and nephew depended on her from many things. Aunt Bessie’s house was the house that everyone needed to visit when they came from out of town. Aunt Bessie’s house was the house that every celebration was held. Aunt Bessie was everything to everybody.

“Your mother will always be with you”, was something people would always tell me. I didn’t believe it until I met the girls on October 4, 2007. How ironic since the next day was the first anniversary of my mom death!! And October 5, 2008, I spend the day at the winery with the girls and their family. How ironic!!! Melissa, Nicole, Maureen and Letitta are gifts from my mother that I will cherish forever.

Oh My Teether...

Today was a touch and go day with little Miss K...not portrayed in the picture to the left however :) That second tooth is definitely trying to come through, but is torturing her in the meantime. She was happy one minute and crying hysterically the next. I exhausted EVERY teething method I had in the house...including some I invented myself...such as chewing on leaves, which you can see in the picture below :) She's always SO happy that when she's upset she gives it all she's got. Also, she only napped for 45 minutes today. Apparently she felt like that was enough...not quite for mom however.

I was thinking today while rocking her next to my mom's picture in her room, about how and when to tell her that my mom died when I was only 17. She'll obviously know that she's not here and whatnot, but when do you tell a child that their mom can die when they're young?? I never tell my kids at school that my mom died because I never want them to be scared that their mom could potentially pass away...so how do I save that thought from my own daughter? I guess it's something that I'll have to take as it comes...as well as see what kind of child she is, a scaredy cat like me, or a go with the flow gal.

Anyway, we did have a few minutes of peace today when I took her outside and took 800 pictures of her with the leaves...I must have said, "not in your mouth" about a million times. She didn't quite get it. Oh well :)

Melissa

11:25pm

John McCain is giving his speech to concede to OBAMA as I write!! No matter what your political views may be, this is a historic election that I am privileged to be a part of! I am so thrilled...that I stayed awake until 11 for the polls in the west to close...and of course that OBAMA is our next President!

Just another word from the day after...I got an email from one of my best friends, Jess, who also had a baby this year and she said, "THANK THE LORD Obama won! I am seriously so relieved and so happy and so thankful that Mia & Kiera's next four years in this country will be with a competent, intelligent, inspirational leader at the helm." And I really think that sums it all up for me! Thanks Jess!! :)

Melissa

FIRST TOOTH

Kiera got her FIRST TOOTH TODAY!! What an exciting milestone.

I called Nicole, as I usually do, at prep time and she said to me, "You know she has a tooth that came through, right?" I jumped out of my chair with tears of excitement and said to her, "You know, if you weren't one of my best friends and just some daycare provider or babysitter I would be balled up on the floor in agony right now!"

I knew there would be things that Nicole would get to witness first...and I wondered how I would handle it...and I think I did pretty damn well :)

SOOO Kiera has a tooth! YEA!! She's also sitting up, she said "Ma" the other day...and is getting a ton of hair! This has to be the happiest I've ever been in my almost 31 years of living! On Sunday she and I napped together in bed and I wondered if my mom ever laid down with me. I just can't imagine her taking that much time out of her day to relax...she was ALWAYS on the go. I guess I'll never know.

Kiera and I also went to vote this morning at 6:30am...OBAMA MAMA! Crossing Fingers!! The old ladies at the polling place wanted to eat her alive...I love that! "Oh sweetie, you can't vote, you're too young!" I wish I were younger and could stay up to watch the whole thing unfold, but unfortunately I'll probably fall asleep within the hour...I should set an alarm for 12am to check in!

Melissa

Halloween

So yesterday was Halloween and let me start by saying that I am actually glad that I was so busy. For those of you who don't know...my mother's bday is Halloween. For the past 4 Halloweens I have taken Emma and Rachel (girls I watch) trick or treating and I originally thought it was going to suck but as the time went on I realized it's actually pretty fun and serves as a wonderful distraction.

I miss buying Halloween birthday cards and I miss buying her gifts and adding a little Halloween extra with it.....it really sucks. So I look forward to the day when I have a house and can overload it with Halloween decorations each year. I think I will buy myself something new to decorate with every year and make it like I'm buying her a bday gift.

I was pleasantly surprised yesterday morning when I woke up and had a text from my 18 year old niece (who is my niece from my husbands side)....she said "Happy Halloween and Happy Bday Mary!" I couldn't believe she remembered. It was so touching that she thought to send that to me. Courtney had known my mom since she was 3 and like everyone else who my mother came in contact with Courtney liked her a lot. It was just sweet that even though she is grown up now a child that I will always see as my baby niece remembered something so important. I didn't know at the time how important it would be.......turns out she was the only one who remembered. We talk about how other people just forget that the person even existed...well that's how I felt.

I was telling Scott later on about it and truthfully the reason I was telling him was to say "you jerk..this child remembered such an important day and you didn't." He of course asked how I was feeling and all that but it would have been nice if he had remembered on his own.....although I can't be mad at him too much because he doesn't remember his OWN parents bdays half the time. Oh well...maybe next year.

Anyway on a lighter note Scott and I went to the NYC Village parade last night and let me tell you it was interesting. There were freaks of all varieties out and about and I just know that many of these people wish they could dress in costume all year....some of them just looked a bit TOO comfy in thier costumes if you know what I mean.

We were almost trampled by a crowd when a fight broke out and later on I got my ass grabbed by some group of jerks as they ran by. Overall it was an interesting night. We are actaully contemplating JOINING the parade next year.

Halloween!

Yesterday was obviously Kiera's FIRST Halloween!! I was never so excited...besides her Christening, this was our first holiday with our peanut and I loved every minute of it! She spent the day in her Strawberry costume with Aunt Nicole, Uncle Dennis, Roman and Nico as they went Trunk-or-Treating at Roman's school. Then Sean and I went over to their house after work to go Trick-or-Treating with them, Letitia, Michael, and Aly. We had such a great time! Kiera was her smiley self...too cute. I, being a 3rd grade teacher, also dressed up...this was definitely one of the best nights of my life!

Melissa

AAHH I'm a freaking human weather machine

Just wanted to add to Melissa's post about the snow. Last night around 11pm I was taking the dogs to pee and I was just looking at the sky and admiring the peaceful feeling I had outside....ya know the feeling you get around Christmas when it's late and you just know it's going to snow (ok maybe its just me).

So I went inside and told Scott how I felt and he thought I was nuts. I told him about the quiet and the feeling of the air....how it's my favorite time of year...not a sunset or a new spring day but the total silence of the night when it's cold out and I guess the clouds sort of act like a blanket muffling any other sound or light. I don't feel like I am doing the feeling justice here. Maybe there are no words to explain it. Ever since I was little I would love going out in my pajamas and coat and boots to just soak up the feeling and just KNOW when I woke up there would be snow.....to this day I have never been wrong. Scott still thinks I'm crazy.

It's Snowing...

I had to put it out there that it's SNOWING in New Jersey today, October 28...3 days before Halloween...it's SNOWING! What the??!! This was the one time that I allowed my kids to FREAK out and run to the window when they saw it because I wanted to freak out and run to the window too!! Insanity!

Kiera's first snow :) And I'm not with her to see it...sigh.

Melissa

Cranky McCrankerson

It's funny because my friend Jess just wrote a blog about her crankstar and I was in the middle of thinking up this one!

Kiera is on solids now three times a day and loves them :) However, about every 7-10 days she gets constipated and freaks out. It breaks my heart!! You can tell that she's in pain and I hate that!! I just want to go in that little body and push it all out myself...lol...

So this morning she woke up at 4:30am screaming...never happens...normally when she wakes up at any time she's all smiles and giggles. She will usually play with her blanket for a good 20 minutes before I get up and get her...but this morning it was all screams and I ran in to get her to find her trying to push push push the tiniest bit on nonsense out of her person. We brought her into bed with us after a nice diaper change and she grabbed her blanket, thumb, and a small bottle and fell asleep again. Phew! But so sad.

I spoke to Nicole just a moment ago and, of course, Kiera is an angel...she's leaving all the Fussy McFusserson for Mommy :)

I've been finding that, besides the constipation fun, she's becoming more and more opinionated. She knows what she wants...and it's usually something we don't want her to have like the remote or the phone...or a can of Coors Light...and she gets very upset when her wants aren't met immediately. She's also started to look for things that we hide after she wants them...that's too much! We have a mirror above our couch and, because I am the corniest person alive, when I lift her up to see in it I say, "Kiera in the Mirra"...stop judging me! And when you hold her on your lap below the mirror and say it, she'll LOOK UP!! It's so bizarre that she could know that already...and she's getting the lifting of arms when you say "so big!" I can't stand that she's growing up so fast!!

Just some randomness for today :)
Melissa

Is it February yet?

I turned 33 years old this past February. I have anticipated the arrival of this dreaded year for as long as I can remember and now I can't wait until it's over.
Ya see my mom died when she was 33 years old of a brain aneurysm and so did my paternal grandmother. What are the chances of that??? How can both of these woman (on opposite sides of my family tree) die the same year of their lives of the same thing? Seems almost unbelievable, impossible and kinda creepy all at the same time. I guess I just always thought I, myself, would be destined for the same fate. So needless to say I was, ok maybe still am, a little freaked out that this will happen to me. I mean it's not something I think or worry about on a daily basis but it's enough to make me feel uneasy from time to time. I could never imagine dying right now and leaving behind my wonderful husband and precious baby girl. I could never imagine being cheated out of the rest of my life the way my mother was. It seems so unfair each and every time I think about it. How different would my life have been if she were still around? I guess that's why I am so determined to be the best mother I can be to my little girl. I made a promise to myself and her, before she was even born, that I will be the best mommy she could ever ask for. I intend to fulfill that promise. Let's just get to February already!

~Letitia ~

Bad Dreams

This is my first time doing this and I'm not even sure I'm putting it in the right place but here it goes. (and please excuse any run-on sentences, I'm just typing as I think)....This morning I woke up pretty bummed out. I had a dream that my husband and I lived in my childhood home and while we were in our room my mother (who died 3.5 years ago) walked in and was freaking out because she didn't know what was going on.
She was confused and ran out of the room and I followed her and when I got to the living room (where her bed was made up on the couch) she was crying and asking me why my dad didn't want her anymore and how could we possibly go on without her....apparently she didn't know she had been gone for so long. I explained that we all thought she was dead and what else were we supposed to do?? To be honest I was pretty cold in the dream because I know that if she showed up in real life I would just keel over and die with happiness.
This of course was the only morning of my life I was happy the cat woke me up.....my cat meows at the door every morning around 7:30 like a freaking alarm clock.

Anyway you can imagine I was feeling pretty crappy about the whole dream and since Scott isn't home right now I had no one to talk to about it right then.....that's why I am so happy to have my girls who understand....I actually had someone to tell even if it was only through email.

Later on in the day Letitia called and we talked about it...she made me feel so much better. I think over all she and Melissa's email helped me realize that I might be more upset that y father is moving in with his girlfriend and he sold the townhouse he lived in with my mother. I really don't think it's that I am upset that he is leaving........we never had a close relationship anyway so that doesn't really matter but I think the fact that he sold the house.........the only thing I really had left of my mother is really what is bothering me. It gave me a good feeling to be there....in her room and with her stuff and just being in the place where she lived. I don't have that anymore and I sort of feel like I have lost her all over again.

Yes I know I have pictures and whatnot but it's not the same. Sometimes I look at her pictures or just think of my life in general and CANNOT believe that this is my life. It still doesn't seem real that I am a person who doesn't have a mother. I have said this before and I will say it again....and I know I sound like a 4 year old but how is it fair that women my mother, who was an amazing, caring, thoughtful, loyal woman has to die so young and leave behind a child (yes I'm grown but who doesn't need their "mommy" still) who still needs her. I look at my friends who have also lost their mothers and it just breaks my heart that all of us had such wonderful relationships with our moms and we were robbed of it and then there are people who take advantage of their mothers or who complain about them or mothers who are just mean......they don't realize what a gift it is to be a mother or to have a mother.

Right now I am in a place in my life where I don't have either. I don't have a mother and I am not yet a mother.....both of which kill me on a daily basis. I look in the mirror and I see an old person. I swear I have aged 10 years in the last 3. I try to eat right and exercise but the grief is written all over my face like a neon sign in the form of wrinkles, fine lines and dark circles. I hope to God that my heart lightens a little when I am finally having my own child. I sit here typing this (crying of course) and I don't really feel much better which is a surprise because writing usually clears up any crappy feelings I am having. I think the holidays are what's getting to me too........mom's birthday is Halloween..... the last few holidays have been rough for a few reasons...but this year I am promising myself that they will be better. I will MAKE them better. I actually have a lot to be thankful for this year.....last year and the one before I had nothing to be thankful for.....so I guess that's a step in the right direction. Ok enough for now....Sorry this was so long.

Thoughtful Thursday

I wanted to copy some song lyrics for you that I was listening to in the car yesterday on the way home from work. It's called, "Rain" by Patty Griffin and I love it. I can find meaning in so many songs...and this is one of them. I listened to Patty Griffin when I was giving birth because she's so calming and wonderful. If you get a chance, give her a listen!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pFbjE7NFmUI
For the Video

"Rain"

It's hard to listen to a hard hard heart
Beating close to mine
Pounding up against the stone and steel
Walls that I won't climb
Sometimes a hurt is so deep deep deep
You think that you're gonna drown
Sometimes all I can do is weep weep weep
With all this rain falling down
Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm holding on underneath this shroud
Rain
It's hard to know when to give up the fight
Two things you want will just never be right
Its never rained like it has to night before
Now I don't wanna beg you baby
For something maybe you could never give
I'm not looking for the rest of your life
I just want another chance to live
Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm holding on underneath this shroud
Rain
Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm still alive underneath this shroud
Rain Rain Rain

I also wanted to share a picture with you from this morning before I went to work because I put the sheet on the couch to not get dog hair on me...this did not work so well :) Oh Well!!

Melissa

Today's about me...

I thought that because Letitia chose to tell her story, today I would give you a look into mine.

I was born on February 9, 1978 in the Bronx. My birth mother didn't want to keep me, she was only 18, so she gave me up for adoption and on May 16 I was taken home by my parents, Rita and Tony. I had the most amazing childhood and ironically my WORST fear in the world was that my mother would die. I remember when I was young, probably 8 or 9, I was watching her get ready in the bathroom and I asked her that if she died, could she please write me a letter to let me know that she was alright...that letter never came by the way...

In February of my 9th grade year, my mom developed a rash on her breast. The doctor in his ultimate wisdom prescribed her cream for it. It wasn't until a few months later, when the rash never went away, that they did a biopsy and discovered that she had a viral form of breast cancer. So, in for surgery she went and I couldn't bring myself to visit her in the hospital. I truly didn't want to believe that it was as serious as it was and I think I was scared shitless and was a stupid teenager...etc. etc. etc. Anyway, she had her breast removed and had chemo treatments that made her SO very sick and then radiation treatments that made her SO very tired. It was a very hard couple of years.

Then she went into remission...ah, good old remission...we even took a family trip to Disney World when I was 16. Then on July 4, 1995 she had a stomach ache, went to the doctor and discovered that the cancer had traveled to her liver...the worst place that it could find...so, she went back on chemo and at Christmas break she went for a check-up and they told her that it was looking great! Phew.

However, on January 8 she got a headache that just wouldn't quit. I told her to take some Tylenol...again, stupid teenager...On January 17 she went to have it checked out fully and they admitted her into the hospital right then. They found several small brain tumors along the base of her brain, took her off chemo for the liver, put her on radiation for the brain, and she turned yellow. You see, this cancer was out to get her no matter what because Chemo doesn't travel to your brain so the cancer found the ONE place that it could live...nice right?! But then when they took her off the chemo, her liver went bad again and the cancer spread like wildfire.

Every day the diagnosis changed, she'd be coming home; she'd be coming home, but needed to be driven to work; she'd be coming home, but couldn't work; she had 3 months to live; she had 1 month to live; they had no idea what was going on; she would die before the weekend.

On the morning of Thursday, February 1 I brought in pictures of our dog for her...I really wanted to bring her to the hospital...and I asked my mom if she knew who she was and she said, "of course I do, it's Smokey." Then she had a stroke and was put on tubes and never spoke again. My father and I had already decided on a DNR so it was a waiting game. My Aunt Noel told me to say my last goodbyes, which I screamed and cried at my mother because I couldn't do anything else.

That night, as my uncles and father chatted and as I "dozed" off in the chair, I could hear her breathing slow and begin to stop. I couldn't believe that they didn't hear it too! We all got up, gathered around her and she passed away. It was the worst day of my entire life, but on the drive home with my dad, we laughed. How one does that? I don't know.

Anyway, I was 17 and turned 18 eight days later. She's been gone now for almost 13 years, which is getting dangerously close to almost as long as I was with her. I keep thinking that in 4 more years, my life will reset...it will be interesting to see.

So that's the story of my mom's passing. My Aunt Noel always says, "why did they take her, God didn't need another angel." But maybe Kiera did....who knows. I just hope she always knows how much we're all thinking of her and love her....Kiera Rita is awake...so I leave it with that for today.

Melissa

Kiera is 6 Months Old Today!

Kiera turned 6 months old today! It's amazing to see her transforming into this tiny person who has likes and dislikes, wants and definitely doesn't wants :) For as long as I can remember I wanted to be a mom and because I'm adopted, I've always had a strong desire to adopt a child who isn't wanted...but in the same breath I wanted to have my own baby too because I wanted someone to look like me...selfish. Fine. From the second Kiera was born I've heard, "I'm sorry Melissa, she really looks like Sean." Sigh. I know that I'm probably looking for similarities, but she really is starting to look a bit like me. Here are pictures of both of us at 6 months...thoughts? I know for sure that she has Sean's ears and hair color, but there are most certainly features that say "Mom", yes? Neurotic.

I've also been having some bad my Mom days. I was sitting in Kiera's room looking at her while Sean rocked her the other night and began to tear up thinking about how my mom must have felt when I was a baby. That overwhelming, losing your breath, can't believe that this being is yours feeling. And then I thought about how she must have felt when she knew she was going to leave me. It's my absolute, 100% worst fear...and I know the other girls can agree. How does a mom ever leave her child? And knowing what I know about how incredibly hard it was to be without her and not have her for so many important events in my life makes that fear even worse. I wonder what it's like for people who have their moms and don't have to think about life without them yet.

I will say it fast again...I can't wait to see what it's like to have a daughter in her 20s. I never got to experience that with my mom. I never got to appreciate going to the spa or out to dinner or a weekend away with her. I was a lousy teenager when she died who didn't want to admit that she was going to die and therefore didn't always treat her with the endless love that I felt for her. It makes me sick to my stomach to have these thoughts...but now I'm hoping to make up for that with my daughter.

When Kiera was first born I would lie in bed with her and cry on her head making endless promises about being there for her forever, being there for her high school prom, graduation, first day at college, last day at college, college graduation, her first real love, her first real job, her wedding, her first house, her children....etc. All of those things, my mother missed. Sometimes it's hard to imagine that she ever even exsisted. She would have been the most amazing grandmother...a mush like me, I'm sure! I don't think I'd ever get her out of New Jersey!! It's so sad to think that she'll never get to hold her grandchild, give her kisses or spoil her stupid. So sad. So sad. So sad.

Anyway, enough crying for today. I must be happy in knowing that she's up there somewhere, looking down and smiling at our baby girl...who is a half a year old already!!! By the time I know it I will be at her high school graduation!! But there's plenty of time for that :)

Kiera and GrandmaAngel together...today.

Melissa

Fall

Fall is my absolute favorite season of the year. I remember when I was young and lived in NY, my parents and I would rake up all the leaves and I would run down the hill in our front yard and leap into them. I love going and picking out a pumpkin, going apple picking (my friend got engaged while apple picking...I'm so jealous :) and drinking warm apple cider with cinnamon.

Now this year I have the privilege of doing this with my daughter! I wish so much that my mom was here to do this with us, but I know that she'll be looking down on us, smiling, and knowing that I am celebrating my favorite time of the year with her granddaughter. I really don't want to wish Kiera's life away...but it's so hard to not say..."I can't wait..." so I will say it fast...I can't wait until Kiera is old enough to understand the fall and get excited to get her pumpkin, go on hayrides, as well as haunted hayrides, pick her own apples, and jump in leaves. I hope that she enjoys these things as much as I do!

In other "October" news, I bought Kiera her first Halloween costume today...my favorite holiday...and she will be...a strawberry!! I cannot wait to see her in her costume. She'll be going to Roman's school during the day for his parade and party and then we're all going over to Nicole's to go trick-or-treating. I'm very excited about it!

Melissa

Renault Winery

On Sunday, October 5, the girls and our families went to the Renault winery for a Grapestomping Festival...and to drink wine all day while lying about on the grass :) It was also the 2nd Anniversary of Lozelle's mom's death...so we toasted to her while wine tasting...quite appropriate. We love you Lozelle and know that your mom was with us enjoying all our fun that day! http://www.renaultwinery.com/











Melissa

about me

My name is Letitia. I am 33 years old. (I have dreaded this year for as long as I can remember. You will learn why a little bit later) I am married now for 3 years to the most amazing man I have ever known. Together we have a beautiful and sweet little girl who turns 2 in just a few days. I have the privilege of staying home with my daughter during the day and work part time in the evening as a recovery room RN.
Here's my story:
I lost my mom to a brain aneurysm when I was 8 years old. It all started on my Communion day. I remember my mom helping me get ready as she complained of a terrible headache. The next thing I remember is her screaming for my father, watching him run up the stairs and seeing her collapse in his arms.
Our house quickly filled with neighbors as the paramedics took her away. My mom's best friend took me to church to make my communion and my father went to hospital to be with his wife. My mom did not die this day but it was the last time I ever saw her. My mother passed 2 days later on May, 3rd 1983 leaving behind a husband and 3 children.
Losing my mother was just the beginning of a very sad and unfortunate childhood. After my mom's passing, my older sister moved out to live with her father. (my mom was married before she met my dad)
I not only had to deal with the loss of my mom; I had to deal with the loss of my sister as well. My father did not do a very good job and keeping us together so it was years before I saw my sister again.
My father quickly moved another woman and her 3 children into our home. I resent him so much for this but I think this was the only way he felt he could raise my younger brother and myself. This woman quickly became the evil stepmother and the 6 years my dad spent with her were pure torture for my brother and me. Having this cold, unloving woman during those years only made me miss and need my mother that much more.
When I was 15, my father divorced her, and he, my brother and I moved out. The next 3 years were probably the happiest for me. They are certainly the best times I've had with my dad.
My father remarried when I was 18, to yet another winner! How he finds these woman amazes me. His current wife is the reason my father and I do not talk today. (that you will certainly hear more about later as well.)
For now I better end this post because it's turning out to be quite longer than I had planned.

~Letitia~

Our First Blog...

I didn't know if I wanted to be a blogger...but I decided after following my two friends' blogs that this would be the easiest way for me to share our precious peanut with our friends and family. My friend Jess posts the greatest videos of her Mia that make me smile every time I see them and even though she's all the way in Delaware, I feel like I can watch Mia grow through her posts. I hope that I can do the same.

Then, after talking to my friends who have lost their moms too, we decided to join together to not only blog about our fabulous families, but also about the loss that we feel going through life without our moms. I'm sure that there will be joyful posts and sad posts. We hope that together we can reach out to other moms and daughters who have lost their moms and they can know that they're not alone.

A little about my peanut:

Kiera is currently 5 1/2 months old and full of vibrance. She's so amazing and I love to watch her grow and explore every day. She's rolling over and over and over, laughing at everything, eating cereal, fruits and veggies, and almost sitting up. I'm back at work, which is very sad, but Kiera is watched by one of my very best friends, Nicole, who, along with her two fantastic boys, entertain and love her just as well as I can...so I can't ask for anything more.

I hope to use this site to keep you posted at least once a week...but who knows, I could become addicted or have trouble finding time to post...we shall see. I'm going to explore uploading a video very soon and hopefully get it up sooner rather than later.

Keep checking in :)

Melissa