Bad Dreams

This is my first time doing this and I'm not even sure I'm putting it in the right place but here it goes. (and please excuse any run-on sentences, I'm just typing as I think)....This morning I woke up pretty bummed out. I had a dream that my husband and I lived in my childhood home and while we were in our room my mother (who died 3.5 years ago) walked in and was freaking out because she didn't know what was going on.
She was confused and ran out of the room and I followed her and when I got to the living room (where her bed was made up on the couch) she was crying and asking me why my dad didn't want her anymore and how could we possibly go on without her....apparently she didn't know she had been gone for so long. I explained that we all thought she was dead and what else were we supposed to do?? To be honest I was pretty cold in the dream because I know that if she showed up in real life I would just keel over and die with happiness.
This of course was the only morning of my life I was happy the cat woke me up.....my cat meows at the door every morning around 7:30 like a freaking alarm clock.

Anyway you can imagine I was feeling pretty crappy about the whole dream and since Scott isn't home right now I had no one to talk to about it right then.....that's why I am so happy to have my girls who understand....I actually had someone to tell even if it was only through email.

Later on in the day Letitia called and we talked about it...she made me feel so much better. I think over all she and Melissa's email helped me realize that I might be more upset that y father is moving in with his girlfriend and he sold the townhouse he lived in with my mother. I really don't think it's that I am upset that he is leaving........we never had a close relationship anyway so that doesn't really matter but I think the fact that he sold the house.........the only thing I really had left of my mother is really what is bothering me. It gave me a good feeling to be there....in her room and with her stuff and just being in the place where she lived. I don't have that anymore and I sort of feel like I have lost her all over again.

Yes I know I have pictures and whatnot but it's not the same. Sometimes I look at her pictures or just think of my life in general and CANNOT believe that this is my life. It still doesn't seem real that I am a person who doesn't have a mother. I have said this before and I will say it again....and I know I sound like a 4 year old but how is it fair that women my mother, who was an amazing, caring, thoughtful, loyal woman has to die so young and leave behind a child (yes I'm grown but who doesn't need their "mommy" still) who still needs her. I look at my friends who have also lost their mothers and it just breaks my heart that all of us had such wonderful relationships with our moms and we were robbed of it and then there are people who take advantage of their mothers or who complain about them or mothers who are just mean......they don't realize what a gift it is to be a mother or to have a mother.

Right now I am in a place in my life where I don't have either. I don't have a mother and I am not yet a mother.....both of which kill me on a daily basis. I look in the mirror and I see an old person. I swear I have aged 10 years in the last 3. I try to eat right and exercise but the grief is written all over my face like a neon sign in the form of wrinkles, fine lines and dark circles. I hope to God that my heart lightens a little when I am finally having my own child. I sit here typing this (crying of course) and I don't really feel much better which is a surprise because writing usually clears up any crappy feelings I am having. I think the holidays are what's getting to me too........mom's birthday is Halloween..... the last few holidays have been rough for a few reasons...but this year I am promising myself that they will be better. I will MAKE them better. I actually have a lot to be thankful for this year.....last year and the one before I had nothing to be thankful for.....so I guess that's a step in the right direction. Ok enough for now....Sorry this was so long.