11 Months Old!

Kiera Rita is 11 months old today! Where does the time go?? Last year at this time we had just wrapped up my baby shower...where we were spoiled rotten!! Here are some of the absolutely amazing things that she's doing now...

• Huffing and Puffing through her nose when she doesn't get her way.
• Standing alone for seconds at a time...when she doesn't realize she's doing it.
• Takes a few steps when we hold her hands...and then becomes lazy and gets back to crawling around like a maniac.
• Sorts objects from one bucket to another.
• Eats and eats...anything she can get her hands on!
• Drinks from a sippy cup.
• Has always LOVED music, but loves is so much now that she looks to find where it's coming from.
• Drinks the bath water...actually enjoys licking it...oh well!
• Stands up in the tub all the time...lies down too! Can't take your peepers off her for a moment.
• Loves Noggin...there's an addiction growing and if it allows me to go to the bathroom, I'm cool with it :) I watched TV (probably too much and do now) and have a master's degree....so we're all good :)
• Says Mama and Dada discriminately...and knows what her "baba" is and asks for it, and we think says "rara" for Roman.

So it's all terribly exciting! She's just this little ball of energy and I love every minute of it! She's so much more than anything I could have imagined and I feel so blessed to have her in my life every single day!

Last week I was so sick. I had a terrible stomach virus that lasted for around 12 hours with the bad symptoms...and then up until yesterday with the residual effects like not being able to eat anything that wasn't bread. I prayed so hard every minute that I could that Kiera didn't get sick...every minute! Sean was away for work so I had to do everything...like feed her, give kisses :), etc...so I was deathly afraid that she would get it and be a mess and I don't want to see her like that just yet. Thankfully, knock on wood, knock on wood, knock on wood...nothing has surfaced (yet). So I'm optimistic.

But every time I get sick I worry and worry that something more serious is wrong with me. I think it's really hard not to when your mom died at 49. I become obsessed with dying and leaving Kiera and Sean behind and I hate hate hate those thoughts. It's so unbelievably easy for Sean to say, "stop thinking that, you're fine." And I know that he's right, but in the back of my mind I can't help but think it and it makes me so upset and sad. I don't know how my mom felt when she knew that she was going to have to leave her daughter and husband behind, but it couldn't have felt good.

So, what I have to do every day that I have those thoughts is to remember to "think good thoughts, think good thoughts, think good thoughts..." and I'll be ok?! My very good, amazing, charismatic, fabulous friend, Molly (my Molly-lama) gave me some meditation cards recently that are advice from a mother to a daughter (she's so thoughtful all the damn time) and I can't get enough of them. One of them says, "Breathe. You're stronger than you think you are." Simply put and so true. And I can just envision my mom saying those words to me all the time.

That's the scoop from here...one month to go until my peanut is ONE! I simply cannot wrap my brain around it. I love her more and more with every passing minute and wish that all her loved ones who aren't with us anymore could meet this extraordinary little person!

Melissa

this really is horrible

Ok ladies, I know I have been complaining nonstop but I just can't even stand it...... this morning sickness that is really all day and even worse in the middle of the night has me hanging by a thread. I am a big baby when it comes to stomach pain to begin with (was hospitalized many times as a kid for it) so maybe I am being overly dramatic but come on already.........I need just one night of steady sleep. I have been in bed night after night crying and really missing my mother. Scott is wonderful and waits on me hand and foot and genuinely feels terrible for me but there is nothing like a mother's touch to make it all better. I know that this isn't the last time I am going to miss her like crazy but feeling as crappy as I do and being so tired it is not helping to miss her so deeply. I guess maybe part of it is that I could sob to her and act like a total baby and feel sorry for myself and she would never make me feel bad about it. Not that anyone has made me feel bad but I feel like a jerk for being so pathetic. Ok I'm done.

My Mom Would Have Been So Proud Of Me...

I made my own puree yesterday of fruits and vegetables to make banana bread! It was so much easier than I thought it would be and can't believe that I haven't been making my own baby food all along! When I pureed the bananas, Kiera ate the left overs and LOVED every minute of it!!

I had bought this cookbook months and months and months ago after seeing Jessica Seinfeld on Oprah promoting it. It's called, "Deceptively Delicious" and I hadn't made anything from it. It's all about incorporating veggies into your child's meals so that they don't know they're there.

Nicole had given me a wonderful list of all the foods her kids ate about this time. So I decided that this weekend was the weekend. Kiera actually decided because she's made the decision to no longer eat baby food. She really wants food that she can pick up, so now Mommy has to be more creative. She'll really eat anything I put in front of her to grab, but I thought this was a good way to give her something more than just a fruit or veggie. Therefore Kiera had her first piece (or three) of banana bread with cauliflower hidden in there~it was delicious :) She really needs to keep getting all her good veggies, but refuses them when I put them on a spoon. This is such a great compromise....and like I said, she actually did eat the banana off the spoon and enjoyed it endlessly.

So I think that I am going to really start to puree lots of different kind of veggies every weekend and start putting them in all the foods that she loves. This way I know she's getting what she needs. She also enjoyed the cauliflower steamed before I pureed it, so that's now an option too! My mom would be thrilled that I took the time to do this...I am an easy recipe girl...I think I'm headed in the right direction!!

Melissa

Happy Valentine's Day

Because my friend Jess did it...and I LOVED IT...here is what a year makes for us McHughs...Happy Valentine's Day!

Valentine's Day 2008 31 Weeks along

Our 2009 Valentine...in all her silly glory!!


I'm more in love than I ever thought possible! Here's to many more years to come....xoxox

Melissa

February 1st...1996

February 1st is here again...it's hauntingly eerie that it shows up every single year like clockwork, but here it is again :) It's very bizarre that it's been 13 years since my mom passed away. It feels like it's gone by in a blink...and then on the other hand, it feels like it's dragged on and on. So much has happened, including the usual graduations, jobs, houses, marriages, babies etc...but also things...so many many many other things! So here I am again remembering the details of this day to a "t" as though it was just yesterday that I was a naive 17 (soon to be 18 in a week) year old who never once believed that her mother would actually die until she had a stroke "this morning". And then she did...at 11:00pm.
In other news, since I'm writing...Kiera Rita always makes me feel better with all her kookiness! She is 9 1/2 months old, all over the place like you can't even imagine. She's pulling herself up on things that she shouldn't, talking in her own little language with all types of words that I don't understand (I'm sure that won't be the first time!), eating anything we put in front of her and loving every minute of it, goes to story time at the Library with Aunt Nicole and tries to eat the books, and is becoming the most lovey dovey little person I've ever met. I can't get enough of her and just want to eat her alive at all times! The lygestics are that she weighs over 19 lbs and is really long (Sean took her to her 9 month and can't remember...but she's in the 80th percentile for length...really tall :). She takes steps when we hold her hands and just laughs all the time! She shows me what pure joy really is!

So off I go to continue with my February 1st. At least my mommy sent me a lovely day...we've gone for our first walk in months and months...I had a wonderful dinner with my girls last night who always know how to make me feel endlessly loved...and my family of 3 will push me along to happiness quite nicely.

Melissa

Where is the sun!?

I don't know about anyone else but I am really tired of winter. The grey skies and freezing wind never seem to go away, even when it is a little sunny it's never quite sunny enough. Today everyone seems to be wishing for this great snowstorm that the weatherman is predicting. I on the other hand would like nothing more than to have no snow for the remainder of the winter (sorry all you teachers out there who live for snow days). I am trapped in my house since outdoor activites are not something I enjoy because I get cold almost immediately. Even my dogs and cats are sick of it. None of them want to go out because of the temperature and as a result there have been more fights than ever before.....Mattie and Fooey had it out the other day and while it was slightly amusing I had to break it up because neither was backing down and I didn't feel like having to take the cat to the vet when she inevitably lost. This is Mattie and Fooey in the picture and as you can see they are usually friends but not recently.

So this basically concludes my rant.....oh bright warm sun......WHERE ARE YOU!? Howevever I did notice over the weekend that it was still sort of sunny at 5:30 so that is a good sign.

MAUREEN

A New Year

I don't have much time to post this moment, but it is hard to believe that another year is here and my mom won't see it. I wonder if she even knows I have 2 boys. Life can be so beautiful and so painful. As I celebrated my birthday last week I couldn't help but spend the night befre crying thinking of her. That was our day. She always made it special. Since she has been gone my birthday means something totally different.

I miss you mom.

A Look Back on 2008...

Happy New Year everyone!! Our almost two weeks "off" have flown by so very fast! I am so sad that it's coming to a close. This past year in general has gone by in one big blur. Here are just a few of the highlights...

• Of course, we were blessed with the most amazing gift of Kiera Rita in April!
  
• I celebrated my 30th Birthday surrounded by friends and family with my precious angel in my belly.


• I found out who my friends really and truly are.


• I got to spend 5 wonderful months at home loving up my baby girl.


• We bought a boat...Sean's biggest dream!! And we got it for a steal!


• I learned that I could breastfeed...and was good at it! lol


• I learned that I was sad when I had to stop.


• We had an amazing party for Kiera and Sean filled with the people who love us all.


• I balanced work and family quite well I think.


• We celebrated more firsts than I can count...including: rolling, sitting, teething, babbling, crawling, eating, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years....

So I think it's been a pretty good year. If 2009 can be just as good, I'm in great shape!! Again, Happy New Year!!

Melissa

emotions

Today I had surgery.......this is a surgery I have had a million times before but for some reason I was an absolute mess about it. Every time I thought about it i burst into tears......I got no sleep the night before because I was thinking about it.

I wasn't sure if I was just nervous because I know the risks and the level of pain/discomfort but then I got into the hospital and my nurse was obviously new and she sucked at giving IV's so I cried then (making her feel bad) and when I got into the "holding area" I was crying again...the nurses and my anesthesiologist was super nice so that made it harder to hold back. So after all that I realized I was upset because all of these surgeries in the past my mom has been there to care for me and keep me company when we were home. Scott was there, don't get me wrong, and he was great but I still wanted my mother. This is a surgery I had always as a child so being an adult and doing it without her I guess really bothered me. I guess at certain times I am still just a 5 year old at heart. To me this just felt like one more life experience she missed. oh well.....what can I do?
Sorry if grammar and punctuation arent great today......I'm still a little foggy.

Hope everyone has a great New Year's Eve. Be safe and celebrate for me since i'm homebound.

....and so flow the tears

So the other day Scott and I are in bed just talking and his mother and sister's annual "Birthday Spa trip" comes up. This is a little trip they take into the city each year for dinner, show and spa...sounds great right?? They both hate it. So after laughing at them for a minute I burst into tears......."OH WHAT I WOULDN"T GIVE TO HAVE A CHANCE TO DO THAT WITH MY MOTHER!!" I wail to a startled Scott. I then sob for the next 20 minutes. When I see women, both mothers and daughters, not cherishing the opportunities they have I want to shake them.

Then next big mistake of the day comes when I get up and decide to watch "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2." For those of you who don't know the story there is a girl who's mother kills herself when the daughter is about 15. So the daughter finds her long lost maternal grandmother after discovering her dad had been hiding letters for years......this of course brings up all sorts of feelings the girl had pushed away for years ie.... her mom abandoning her, not loving her, missing her etc. So for the 2nd time in only a few hours I'm sobbing.

So after a long, painfully irritating work week I decide to come home, have a LARGE glass of wine, listen to Christmas music and gaze at my very bright and busy Christmas tree while thinking of Mom. Finally after being wound tight as a spring all week I was able to relax.....

Merry Christmas!!

Christmas Time is Here...

(to the tune of "Charlie Brown's Christmas)...

In a completely selfish manner, Sean and I took Kiera up to see Uncle Jason this past Saturday and into New York City to see the tree. Kiera was all sniffles and we contemplated not going due to her mood and runny nose, but I guiltily put her in the car and off we went.

It was so lovely!! When we finally got to the actual tree...the city was PACKED...I actually got a tear in my eye. The last time I was at the tree my mom was with me. We used to go to the city every holiday season with my Aunt and cousin to see a play and have lunch. Some years we'd go see the tree.

She won't remember a thing of going to see the tree, but I will. I'll remember how chilly the night air was. How cute she was all bundled up in her fleece outfit, boots, and big winter coat. I'll remember her eyes light up when she looked at all the lights on the gigantic tree, especially when they began to blink.

When I thought back on our night Sunday morning I began to cry at the breakfast table. Being there with Sean, Kiera and Jason made me so happy because it shouted, "FAMILY" to me...I so very much want Kiera to be surrounded by FAMILY. It, of course, made me crave my mother's company so badly that it physically hurt. I don't know that anyone (other than my girls...or others who have lost their mothers) can fully understand this feeling of physical pain when you think of someone. When you know with everything in you that they should still be here and yet they're not. When you know that they'd appreciate and love every minute of these special times together but they're not here to.

It's just so overwhelmingly bitter sweet...this whole holiday season. I'm having a tough tough time with it because I'm SO happy and then SO sad. It's annoying :)

But again, I'll just have to feel good in knowing that I have one more angel on my side. An angel who has sent me SO many wonderful gifts, especially this year!!

The gift of Kiera
The gift of someone who I love to watch over her
The gift of best friends
The gift of health
The gift of happiness
The gift of family

Thanks Mommy.

Melissa

Thoughtful Thursday

Thankful

by
Josh Groban

Somedays we forget

To look around us

Somedays we can't see

The joy that surrounds us

So caught up inside ourselves

We take when we should give

So for tonight we pray for

What we know can be

And on this day we hope for

What we still can't see

It's up to us to be the change

And even though we all can still do more

There's so much to be thankful for

Look beyond ourselves

There's so much sorrow

It's way too late to sayI'll cry tomorrow

Each of us must find our truth

It's so long overdue

So for tonight we pray for

What we know can be

And every day we hope for

What we still can't see

It's up to us to be the change

And even though we all can still do more

There's so much to be thankful for

Even with our differences

There is a place we're all connected

Each of us can find each other's light

So for tonight we pray for

What we know can be

And on this day we hope for

What we still can't see

It's up to us to be the change

And even though this world needs so much more

There's so much to be thankful for

Melissa

December??

I cannot even wrap my brain around the fact that it's December! Where does the time go?? As the other girls have mentioned, Thanksgiving has come and gone with bitter sweet moments. We went to Connecticut for Thanksgiving and seeing my father with Kiera melts my heart every time! I cannot get enough of how overwhelmed he is by her! He gets this giddiness that I don't know he had when I was a baby...but I think being a grandparent is much different than being a parent sometimes. I think my mom is rolling over in her grave seeing how far my father and I have come...since she said to my friend's mom before she died, "please keep an eye on Melissa and Tony, they're going to kill each other!" :) He says all these funny things to her, bounces her around and looks like he's going to eat her alive, it's adorable. His whole attitude has changed since she was born and we're loving every minute of it!

It's terribly enjoyable being with my Dad and Camille on Thanksgiving, but I also miss going to my Uncle Bob and Aunt Noel's in Massachusetts every year. We used to have THE best time! There were a whole bunch of us there, so many laughs, and the annual Trivial Pursuit game. My cousins would sneak us drinks and we'd eat way too much! When I was really little I used to be able to sleep over with my cousin Meg while my parents stayed in a hotel...I loved that! She's five years older, which at the time felt like an eternity...and she used to take me to see movies like "Aladdin" and "Beauty and the Beast" at night. I miss having a "big" family...big for me anyway :) I'm so excited for the years to come, the holidays to celebrate...to give my Dad, Camille, Donna and Tom another Grandchild...and to have fun with our "big" family.

Melissa

Holidays

Well Thanksgiving has come and gone and mom has missed another one. While at my Aunt's house with my cousin and all of her children it occurred to me that Mom died only a few months after the youngest, Holly, was born..she will be 4 in January. As much as I am happy that my father has found happiness with another woman it REALLY bothered me to watch this perfectly wonderful woman play with my cousins children. What was equally troublesome for me is watching them ADORE her. I have nothing against her at all it's just that it hurt like hell to know that these children don't remember my mother at all and that my father's girlfriend is who they associate with "uncle Bill." In fact it wouldnt surprise me if they thought she was my mother. It just really sucks because watching Barbara with them is exactly the way my mother would have been with them so while it is nice that she likes them it is also extremely painful. My aunts house just seems so empty without my mother there. After my cousin and her family left it was really awkward being there....usually after my cousin leaves my parents would stay and chat for a few more hours.....this time I felt like she was just waiting for us to leave because in truth my mother was really the one she enjoyed being with. So I made my exit... a bit sad that while I am still coming to the house I spent EVERY thanksgiving at during my childhood that it is no longer the welcoming place it once was....and I dont think it really has anything to do with my aunt....just the lack of my mother.

However this year I am very thankful for SOOOO many things including my wonderful husband and amazing friends and most of all the promising possibilities of my very near future!!

Thankful

Each holiday that goes by is just a bitter sweet reminder of the thinks my mom is missing. I honestly don't know where the time goes. Thanksgiving was always wonderful. My mom was a great cook, and adored entertaining. I go through the motions, but it is hard to see my cousins with their mother and siblings. There I am, very blessed for the wonderful husband and children I have and feeling completely alone at the same time. How can you be in a room with over 30 people and feel so alone? I am thankful for my friends and family and for all this past year has shown me. What a wild ride this year has been. I am truly looking forward to 2009!

One more cookie.

So here I am. Finally. Finally reading, finally writing, finally getting a few things off my chest. Who am I? I am lots of things. We'll get into that.

My friends. Isn't it odd how friendships change? I swear I have always hated change, but as I get older it gets harder to accept that maybe the friends you had growing up aren't the best friends for you as an adult. I have amazing friends, beautiful, giving, loving ones. So why do I focus on the ones who I can't seem to connect with anymore? That's just me.

It's Monday. Typical, ordinary, beautiful Monday. Three children asleep and the house is quiet for this tiny bit of time.

I was listening to Christmas music in the car and Feliz Navidad came on. My mom loved that song. I cried for a minute remembering her singing and baking cookies. If I could only have one more cookie. One more song.

Soneones awake. Until later...

The Holidays...

The holidays are approaching and with them brings a whole new set of feelings and insanity :)

I am overwhelmingly excited for Kiera's First Thanksgiving and Christmas...I'm excited for new traditions to begin (even though she won't remember them this year), waking up with her on Christmas morning (the two we will have) and seeing her rip through wrapping paper (but not really understanding what it is that she's doing).

However, with the holidays brings sadness about what my mom is missing...especially this year. I know that she would LOVE nothing more than to be here with us and see all the firsts that Kiera is experiencing.

Sometimes when I'm sad about my mom I think, "Why are you still sad?? You're someones mom now" but it doesn't work. I feel like I'm redundant when I think about her and write about her and speak about her...how many ways can you say that you're sad and that you miss someone before people start to not care...and believe you me, people start to not care. Some of my friends who have lost their moms recently, like within the past fives years, have said that people have started to forget because their lives can go on...and I say, "wait until you're at 12 years and counting!"

I just honestly would have LOVED to have seen her with my kids. There's this love that I see gushing out of my Dad and Sean's Mom that I can't even explain and for my Mom, that would have been her #1 happiest moment to see Kiera grow and experience life like they're able to do.

Anyway, enough mumbling for today...Things that I'm Thankful for this year...
I'm thankful for my beautiful and healthy new family of three (or 7 including our many four legged friends)
I'm thankful for our home
I'm thankful for the couple of dollars we have that get us by on a daily basis
I'm thankful for having a job and getting paid for doing something that I love
I'm thankful for my gorgeous, caring, and overly supportive friends
I'm thankful for Nicole, Nanny and the Hices for taking such amazing care of our peanut when I can't be with her
Finally...I'm thankful that gas prices are down to $1.83 so I can get back and forth to work without crying on a daily basis!!

Melissa

The Start of a new life.....

The Start of a new life……..
I started a new chapter in my life on October 5, 2006, the day I lost my best friend, my number one cheerleader, my provider and the love of my life: my mother. I not only loved her, I was in love with her: her integrity, her character, her womanhood, her smell, her smile and the list goes on and on.

The first year was extremely hard, especially since my mother was the glue that kept our family together, her 5 sisters and her many nieces and nephew depended on her from many things. Aunt Bessie’s house was the house that everyone needed to visit when they came from out of town. Aunt Bessie’s house was the house that every celebration was held. Aunt Bessie was everything to everybody.

“Your mother will always be with you”, was something people would always tell me. I didn’t believe it until I met the girls on October 4, 2007. How ironic since the next day was the first anniversary of my mom death!! And October 5, 2008, I spend the day at the winery with the girls and their family. How ironic!!! Melissa, Nicole, Maureen and Letitta are gifts from my mother that I will cherish forever.

Oh My Teether...

Today was a touch and go day with little Miss K...not portrayed in the picture to the left however :) That second tooth is definitely trying to come through, but is torturing her in the meantime. She was happy one minute and crying hysterically the next. I exhausted EVERY teething method I had in the house...including some I invented myself...such as chewing on leaves, which you can see in the picture below :) She's always SO happy that when she's upset she gives it all she's got. Also, she only napped for 45 minutes today. Apparently she felt like that was enough...not quite for mom however.

I was thinking today while rocking her next to my mom's picture in her room, about how and when to tell her that my mom died when I was only 17. She'll obviously know that she's not here and whatnot, but when do you tell a child that their mom can die when they're young?? I never tell my kids at school that my mom died because I never want them to be scared that their mom could potentially pass away...so how do I save that thought from my own daughter? I guess it's something that I'll have to take as it comes...as well as see what kind of child she is, a scaredy cat like me, or a go with the flow gal.

Anyway, we did have a few minutes of peace today when I took her outside and took 800 pictures of her with the leaves...I must have said, "not in your mouth" about a million times. She didn't quite get it. Oh well :)

Melissa

11:25pm

John McCain is giving his speech to concede to OBAMA as I write!! No matter what your political views may be, this is a historic election that I am privileged to be a part of! I am so thrilled...that I stayed awake until 11 for the polls in the west to close...and of course that OBAMA is our next President!

Just another word from the day after...I got an email from one of my best friends, Jess, who also had a baby this year and she said, "THANK THE LORD Obama won! I am seriously so relieved and so happy and so thankful that Mia & Kiera's next four years in this country will be with a competent, intelligent, inspirational leader at the helm." And I really think that sums it all up for me! Thanks Jess!! :)

Melissa